Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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This hospital has everything
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”