Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”