A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.