3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
im all 3
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.