SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Waiting for the Charmin
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
damn he’s good
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.