[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.