Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
🙀🙀🙀😹
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me irl
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I wish all tests were things you peed on