Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena