The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears