My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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Cheers Twitter.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
dutch is not a serious language
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat