“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A little too much information.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.