I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
he looks great for his age
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it