Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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are they though??
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place