What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.