[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent