WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.