I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.