Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You Might Also Like
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.