i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”