Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
watergate? u mean a dam??
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”