Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
yall want some gasoline milk
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???