Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
get you a girl who
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
necessity is the mother of invention
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.