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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack