“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.