I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?