I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
This one’s “Alex”.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
What kind of a cult is this?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis