Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.