[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?