A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.