dogs can find happiness so easily
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.