Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
You Might Also Like
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.