Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The Backseat Boys
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520