Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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I’m calling the cops.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Think I pulled my liver
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.