Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.