The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Dietest Coke
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”