Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda