“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.