Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
my mind
You just read my mind
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
This guy gets it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?