I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*