*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.