McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.