*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.