me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Ummm
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates