Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Air conditioning – not a fan
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
☺️