HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
you gotta be faster
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment