[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
You Might Also Like
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
🍛
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”