There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
You Might Also Like
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]