Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.