Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
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Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Note to self: I am a note
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.