[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.